Mail Time with Zhou Yu
by Kaithau
Summary: It is Zhou Yu's responsibility to reply to each letter addressed to him, which leads him to question the sanity of everyone he knows. Send your own letters and ideas in!
1. Of Sun Ce and Bondage

_This is inspired by a story I read called 'Cao Cao answers letters', written by Nan Ma. I died laughing and I thought it would be fun to do something similar with one of my favourite characters, Zhou Yu. Of course, I take no credit for this idea, it was all Nan Ma's idea!~_

_**Warnings**: Slight OOC, slash, and randomness._

* * *

The light emanating from the candle illuminated Zhou Yu's face as he seated himself down at his desk and his weary eyes drifted over the enormous stack of packages and scrolls to his right. Mail. So much damn mail. He supposed it was his responsibility to reply to all of them, even though he knew from past experience that some letters were rather disturbing in nature and came with strange presents attached. He remembered once he had recieved a package containing an entire box full of underwear, in which most of them looked used, and he had promptly thrown them into his fireplace.

The strategist folded his precious maps away and set them to the side to snatch up one of the many scrolls sent to him, preparing a few jars of ink. This was going to be a long night...

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

Thank you for your letter, General. I'm rather surprised to receive a message from you. Also, I'm not entirely sure if giving Sun Quan a full-body massage while he is completely nude is considered normal for a bodyguard to do for his lord, but I suppose if he is agreeing to let you, you should be fine. Thank you for taking the time to vividly describe Lord Quan's figure in great detail to me, and I will try to rid myself of those mental images as soon as possible.

You have my sincere apologies for that. No, it isn't normal to be imagining your lord doing that to you every day before you go to bed, and no, I cannot offer any advice as I haven't found myself ever thinking like that towards anyone I consider my superior. Perhaps you can have a chat with Lord Sun Quan? I'm sure he will understand.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

No, I am not and have not been in a romantic relationship with Sun Ce and no, I have not had sex with him. I'm a married man, after all.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Ce,

Oh dear gods, Ce, I think Tai is onto us. I told you not to be so loud, my walls aren't exactly soundproof. I mean, if my room were more secluded it wouldn't be a big problem but it's right beside his. Next time, bring me to your room, since you have quarters all to yourself.

Love, Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

I don't know what you're implying. You must have been hearing things. The cries of _anguish, pain and terror _and not _pleasure_ from war must be getting to your head. Perhaps some nettle tea will soothe your senses?

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Ce,

Alright, Zhou Tai is definitely onto us. Honey, I didn't mean it that way, of course I love the sound of your voice, but I'd prefer it if were only me who could hear it, and not everyone within a mile radius of us. You're all mine, after all.

I'm going to have to gag you next time.

Love, Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Ce,

Please don't buy ropes, whips, handcuffs, leather gags, leather harnesses, leather belts, clothespins or blindfolds. I didn't mean I wanted to do _that _with you. I'm not into those kinds of things.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Ce,

I don't mean I want _you _to do it to _me_, either.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

I have never seen Lord Sun Ce naked. No, I don't fantasize about seeing him like that, and if you feel that way about Lord Sun Quan then all the best of luck to you, but I can't offer any words of advice.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Ce,

Go to sleep. You're tired and you aren't thinking straight.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Ce,

Well, I suppose that could be the problem as well, though I'm sure you can sort _that _out without my... 'help'.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

What a pleasant surprise to receive a letter from you, milord. So, Zhou Tai sat down with you and said he wanted to have a talk? And then all he said was that after he had given you a massage he fantasized about you doing _things _to him? Oh, that's rather strange, I don't think I'll ever know what could have pushed Zhou Tai to be so forward. He is normally rather aloof, isn't he?

Well, I have never been in a relationship with someone I consider a superior or one of my subordinates, and definitely not another man, but I'm supportive of whatever you choose. Take some time to think about it. Zhou Tai is a trustworthy man however, and I'm sure he would be loyal to you for as long as he lived. Of course, this is all up to you. He is your bodyguard and he will respect your decision (I can't say the same about the rest of Wu, but I'm sure most of the ladies wouldn't mind too much), though I'm not sure how you will produce an heir to the throne.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

No, I am not seeing your older brother, Lord Sun Ce. Our relationship is brotherly and purely platonic. Who told you that, anyway?

Secondly, it requires a man and a woman to produce an heir. You know what I mean, don't make me elaborate.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

No, Zhou Tai is being silly. I am not involved in an affair with your brother. And even if I was, my bedroom activities are of no one's concern.

What do you mean you don't understand?

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

I think it is best that you speak with Zhou Tai about that. I'm not very good at explaining.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

I said Zhou Tai was being silly in regards to him claiming that Sun Ce and I are lovers. We both have wives, so there is no way that could be possible. He probably knows more about where babies come from than I do. And how come you _don't _know? Aren't you twenty years of age?

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

When you were younger, Lord Sun Jian told you that a stork would drop a baby off in front of your house under a big rock if a man and a woman loved each other very much? Well, yes, yes I suppose that is true. But still, it requires a man and a _woman_. Both you and the General are very much male, at least as for as I know. I don't think you need to ask Zhou Tai about it anymore, then.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

You asked him anyway? Zhou Tai said he would demonstrate how babies are made with you? Oh, well, please don't let him do that. At least not yet.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

Well, you see, no, he _wasn't_ going to help you find a big rock to put in front of your house to see if a baby would be there the next day.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

With all due respect, please ask someone else about that.

* * *

_I'm relying on YOU to send me in letters and/or ideas! If they are ideas, feel free to drop a review, and if you're interested in taking up the role of a character, then drop me a PM with this form:_

_From: (insert the name of your chosen character here. Any DW characters are cool with me, you can be anonymous or you could be a fanboy/fangirl. Your call.)_

_Message: (try to be literate, please and thanks~)_

_Attachments: (any gifts or items you want to send to Zhou Yu? List them here! :D)_

_Go crazy!_

_- Kaithau_


	2. Of Yaoi Fanfics and Innuendo

_Warnings: Slash, a bit OOC here and there, a bit of Xiao Qiao bashing (don't get me wrong, she's lovely, but I felt it necessary here), and there is half of a yaoi fanfiction somewhere down there. If you don't want to read that, skip Jiang Wei's first letter. _

_What have I done._

* * *

Dear Xiao Qiao,

Hello, dear. Wow, you've figured out how to use the post office service all by yourself? I'm _very_ proud of you. Perhaps I should reward you by purchasing you a new toy. Is there anything that has caught your attention? I do think you'd like a new colouring book.

To answer your question, yes, General Zhou Tai is right, I have slept with Sun Ce. Since we're very close friends, sometimes I invite him over for a sleepover, yes? Like you and Sun Shang Xiang sometimes have! We play games together, too. Since I only have one bed I let him sleep on it as well.

Also, I'm not sure why you've bothered to send me a letter when you live so close to me.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

_|| Attachment received: One (1) pair of Zhou Yu's white trousers. Where did Da Qiao even find these? ||_

Dear Da Qiao,

Oh, thank you for sending me my trousers. May I ask, perchance, where you found them? I normally like to keep things rather tidy and I do not know why I would leave my pants somewhere other than my quarters.

Your writing seems to be a bit angry, too, Lady Qiao, considering your normally calm demeanor. Did I do something to offend you that you would write: "You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the rofoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, and a weasel. I take that back; you are a festering pustule on a weasel's rump. Your life is a monument to stupidity."

Is there something the matter?

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

_|| Attachment sent: Two (2) colouring books, both from the 'Pony Playtime' series. Where Zhou Yu bought these, no one knows. ||_

Dear Xiao Qiao,

Yes, of course. I purchased both the 'Unicorn Sparkle' and the 'Pegasus Fluff' editions of the colouring books, and I do hope you enjoy them.

Well, the games that we play together are a _little_ bit different from the kinds that you play with Lady Shang Xiang. Perhaps it is best we discuss them at a later time.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Da Qiao,

They were in Sun Ce's quarters, and you think that I have an affair with him? My deepest apologies for the misunderstanding, Lady Qiao. I would never dare to steal your husband from you, as I love your sister with all my heart.

Please ease the vulgar language. I can assure you that the reason for that was simply because Sun Ce had ripped his own pants by accident one day and I happened to be carrying an extra pair so I lent it to him. And he forgot to return them. Yes.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Ce,

_HOW could you just leave my pants on your floor like that?!_ Da found them and now she's getting the wrong idea! Well, technically she's getting the _right_ idea, but she's not supposed to know about this! I guess it is partly my fault for putting yours on instead of mine that morning but I was in a rush! You could have at least tried to hide them!

Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Ce,

I love you too, darling. You're forgiven, but please don't try to shove your tongue down my throat in the middle of the training fields to apologize. There were quite a few people there, and I don't think letting them see would be... ideal. We can save that for later, alright? I've still got work to do, as well as many letters to reply to.

Love, Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

_|| Attachment received: One (1) bright red origami figure thing. Not sure what it's supposed to be, though it looks suspiciously like a melting whale. Why are there black streaks and dots on it? ||_

Dear Xiao Qiao,

I'm glad you understand.

That is also a very pretty origami _figure_ _thing_. Did you colour the entire thing red? Why are there a few black streaks along it? Don't misunderstand, though. It's very pretty and nice.

As a side note, have you seen the map of the Southlands that I have been working on? I left it on my desk and it seems to have disappeared.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Xiao Qiao,

What do you mean you sent the map to me?

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Xiao Qiao,

You painted my map red to make it prettier and folded it into a flower.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Xiao Qiao,

No, of course I'm not upset! It's alright, sweetie. It only took me a few minutes to draw.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Lu Su,

_OH MY FUCKING GOD,_ THAT LITTLE GIGGLY BITCH TOOK THE MAP THAT I SPENT 4 FUCKING YEARS WORKING ON AND FOLDED IT INTO A PILE OF RED SHIT. I think I've sprouted at least 40 white hairs and I _cried_ myself to sleep. Can you bring me a stone? I need to sharpen my sword.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Lu Su,

You did? I swear on my unborm child, I shall repay you. If you hadn't copied the map as back-up I'd probably be strangling someone right now.

No, no. I am not going to commit suicide. Please do not alert the entire camp of my death because I am very much alive. Thanks to you, my sanity is ebbing back.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Lu Su,

No, you do not have to call in any counselors and/or therapists. Like I said, I'm alright.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

|| _Received attachment: One (1) scroll containing Jiang Wei/Zhao Yun sex described in vivid detail – most of the scenes have been omitted due to the authour of the fic not wanting to bump up the rating to M, and to save many fangirls from having nosebleeds all over their computer screens or cream their pants._

_/ [...] Zhao Yun darted out his tongue and swiftly ran it along the edge of the younger's lip, earning a small gasp in return. He grasped the opportunity to slip his tongue inside Jiang Wei's mouth, massaging the insides of the other's mouth in a heated, feverish kiss. _

"_A-ah... Zilong..." The smaller man moaned gently into the kiss, a small trail of glistening saliva leaking from the corner of his mouth. His hands had already wormed their way around the general's waist, and each contact point between their skin sent flames dancing through his body. The young prodigy's breathing became slightly erratic and he arched his back up, subconsciously bucking his hips upwards, itching for friction to find even a bit of release. _

_A bit surprised by the sudden wave of pleasure that hit him, Zhao Yun groaned and rocked his hips down in return. He pulled away from their interlocking lips to stare into Jiang Wei's gorgeous face and brush a few stray locks of hair from his mesmerizing eyes. "My love, a bit eager, aren't we?"_

_The strategist's blush deepened and he raked his hands down the general's back, slender fingers fluttering along the toned muscles, "S-stop teasing, nh, me..." _

_Zhao Yun smirked and dipped his head lower to begin trailing kisses down his neck, alternating between sucking and licking. His hand ventured even further south, fingering at the hem of his pants and relishing the squirming and writhing that his actions were causing. Without any further delay, he slipped his fingers under and yanked down. [...] /_

_**The rest has been omitted for reasons I do not think I need to elaborate on. **||_

Dear Jiang Wei,

What a pleasant surprise to receive a letter from the Sleeping Dragon's star pupil, though it would have been even more pleasant if I had not read the contents of said letter, for I think this letter may or may not make me eligible to be arrested for child pornography. How old are you again, Jiang Wei? I honestly did not need to see that, and you shouldn't be reading things like this. I never knew Zhuge Liang had... a talent for writing erotica, and I wish I didn't know. Especially if the contents of said erotica contains you and General Zilong in it.

I cannot explain to you what ' cream of a more exotic origin', 'non-military style rear assault', or by the gods 'oiling up a different kind of sword' mean. Maybe it is best you discuss with the others of Shu. I'm certain there would be someone willing to tell you.

Now I need to go bang my head against a pole a few times to forget what I just read. Thank you.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhuge Liang,

Excuse me, I received Jiang Wei's letter before yours. I am currently in the process of attempting to cleanse my mind. I didn't need to know about your writing habits.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhuge Liang,

So, you claim it wasn't you who wrote them, but your wife?

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhuge Liang,

ALRIGHT. ALRIGHT, I BELIEVE YOU. There is absolutely _no _need to send in more to threaten me.

Though now you're basically admitting to me that you did indeed write them.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhuge Liang,

I was merely making a joke! Don't send more! Please!

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

|| _Attachment received: Twenty four (24) yaoi fanfiction, in which many of them include Zhou Yu himself. Our strategist flipped out as they were disguised as normal letters but somehow midway turned into a full-blown Zhou Yu/everyone sex scene. Due to disturbing content, none of it shall be shown, you sick perverts. ||_

Dear Jiang Wei,

Zhuge Liang made you send these, didn't he.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhuge Liang,

Fuck you.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhuge Liang,

Not like _that_, you dirty bastard.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Lu Su,

Scratch that, I think I might need a counselor after all.

Zhou Yu

* * *

_SO. xD Go ahead and send more stuff in! This is actually a lot of fun to write :D Feel free to send 'em in from any of your favourite characters~_

_-Kaithau_


	3. Of Meat Buns, Among Other Things

_Uff, I didn't clarify a few things. The fanon for this fic will be, well, the canon marriages, but at the moment there will be Sun Ce x Zhou Yu (I'm shipping them both way too hard right now), Zhou Tai x Sun Quan... And on a lesser scale, a bit of Zhang He x Sima Yi, Gan Ning x Ling Tong, but they get around. xD Lu Xun will remain a virgin (...for the time being O W O). As for sexualities, to keep things simple, everyone shall be bi._

_Keep that in mind while you're sending letters in xD Anyhoo, enjoy!_

* * *

Dear Zhou Tai,

General, please. There is absolutely nothing going on between Lord Sun Ce and I, except for deep friendship. Do you have solid evidence of this, anyway?

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

You did _what_?

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

If I weren't as lenient as I am currently, you would be discharged from your position and demoted to stable boy. You do know that spying on your superiors while dressed as a giant meat bun is completely unacceptable, right?

And why a meat bun, anyway? How did we not notice this?

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

Well, wouldn't any of the other officers have seen you if you were wandering around dressed as a giant meat bun? And you still haven't told me why you decided to dress as a meat bun and not a bush or something more practical for spying.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sima Shi,

You claim to have clashed blades with a giant meat bun when expecting a squadron led by Zhou Tai.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

Alright, I believe you, and I will give you your advice as requested. I suppose our situations are rather similar, so I will help you to the best of my abilities. Do note I am not a relationship advisor.

Perhaps you should just tell him outright. Find a time to talk to him, somewhere private is highly suggested, and tell him how you feel. Make sure you apologize frequently, as bearing these kinds of thoughts toward your lord is normally frowned upon and he may or may not fire you, though I highly doubt it. Though I do suggest only apologizing if he expresses discomfort, disgust or anger at your words. If he turns you down, you will have to face reality. If he feels the same way, then you have my congratulations. I wish you the best of luck.

But before you try that, answer me a few things.

Why a meat bun? And even more so, why were you wearing a meat bun costume in battle? Since when did I ever order you to attack Sima Shi? Acting on your own accord like this could lead to me inflicting serious punishment.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sima Shi,

No, I am unaware why my general would try to break into your quarters, sending you a letter in advance stating that "I will come for you buns", and promptly steal all of your meat buns while dressed as a meat bun. Do not fear, I will question him about this.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sima Shi,

No, you did not fight or get robbed by a giant meat bun. That was Zhou Tai in a meat bun costume. Did you not see his arms or his face or simply his legs? Meat buns are inanimate objects, they are unable to fight.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sima Shi,

Just because the meat inside these buns used to be pigs does not mean that the meat buns are alive. And even if they were, meat buns cannot wield weapons.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sima Shi,

Of course I have never seen a living meat bun, simply because they _do not exist_. It defies the laws of physics, and logic in general. There is no scientific explanation for why a meat bun would be able to grow legs, arms and swing a blade around.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

No, I did not order a giant meat bun to approach you in the middle of the night while you were in the lavatory and begin to apologize profusely after it confessed its love to you. I am sorry for that, though. It must have been rather uncomfortable.

I should have you know that was General Zhou Tai, not a meat bun. And I am not sure why he was dressed as a meat bun during the ordeal. I shall contact him about it shortly, my Lord. Please, if you see him again, take some time to contemplate your feelings and tell him when you are ready. He is true to his word, and I would know.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

I never ordered you to dress as a meat bun! You took 'You are what you eat' literally whereas it wasn't meant to be taken literally. If you eat a meat bun, that does not mean you _are_ a meat bun. You do not need to dress as a meat bun to 'fit in with the rest of the clan'. The expression simply meant that if you eat healthy foods, you will be healthy, and same for unhealthy foods.

Please refrain from wearing that costume. You are confusing all our officers. For some reason or other, everyone thinks you are _actually_ a meat bun. Same applies for Lord Sun Quan, and that was the reason he had a small heart attack when you popped into the room dressed as a meat bun while he was... Ahem.

And why did you decide to attack Sima Shi without my permission?

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

No, my Lord. That meat bun was not a meat bun, but General Zhou Tai dressed as a meat bun. I have no idea as to why he would try feeding you meat buns and repeat that you would 'become one of the clan'.

I am at the last very glad that you sorted out your thoughts. You should tell General Zhou Tai that you return his feelings whenever you can.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

No, that was General Zhou Tai, not a meat bun. I swear on my grave.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

You do not need to 'rescue the clan members' by invading Sima Shi's personal stash of them. General Zhou Tai, please understand that _you_ are _not_ a meat bun.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sima Shi,

My sincerest apologies, sir. It seems that my General Zhou Tai appears to be under the illusion that he is a meat bun and is trying to rescue the 'members of his clan' by stealing all of your meat buns, and if I may quote as he had so eloquently put it, "free the tortured souls, their deaths impending, imprisoned in their wooden cages, only to be consumed by a reeling, obese warlord into pits of acidic stench and emerge in heaps through his anus". And no, I do not think you are fat, General. Quite the contrary.

And yes, I am absolutely certain that was General Zhou Tai and not an enormous meat bun. I mean, have you tried taking a bite? His costume is probably made of cloth.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

_||Attachment sent: Three (3) firecrackers to burn the meat bun costume, one (1) map indicating the locations to set up ambush, spread on a map of their camp. Zhou Yu's getting real serious about this shit.||_

Dear Lu Xun,

Alright, young man. I have a mission for you. I suspect you might have seen a giant meat bun lurking around camp, haven't you? Enclosed in this letter I have attached a few firecrackers, which I would like to use to burn the giant meat bun. I have also included a map of the area, and where I would like for you to lure the meat bun to – near a river.

You see, the giant meat bun is actually General Zhou Tai. You must burn his meat bun costume but make sure that he is able to jump in the water to douse the flames from burning his body.

If you are able to do this I shall promote you, and buy you something of your choice.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

_||Attachment sent: Nine (9) barrels full of meat buns. Zhou Yu has no idea why he found all of these in the kitchen.||_

Dear Sima Shi,

Logic dictates that is _completely_ impossible.

Also, I have enclosed a few barrels of meat buns to replace your previous stash. Please do not tell anyone about this lest the giant meat bun, also known as General Zhou Tai, comes to steal them again.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Lu Xun,

No, I can swear on the heavens that _yes_, the meat bun is General Zhou Tai and _not_ General Zhou Tai turned into ground meat and stuffed into a bun. That is just... morbid.

And of course, I can get that for you.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

I have heard that there is a merchant caravan carrying many, many meat buns along the river near our camp! That is terrible! What shall we _ever_ do? Oh, the poor meat buns...

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

What, Lu Xun ambushed you and burned your meat bun costume? I am glad you were able to jump into the conveniently placed river to save yourself from a fiery doom. I am sorry that the merchant got away.

Lu Xun is a bit of a pyromaniac, forgive him for his brash actions. I am sure he will apologize to you.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

_|| Attachment sent: Ten (10) crates of assorted fireworks and firecrackers. This will definitely lead to problems in the future. ||_

Dear Lu Xun,

You did a splendid job. I have enclosed your reward. Please do not blow up our base – save that for Cao Cao.

General Zhou Tai asked for a favour in return for ambushing him? Do tell.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Lu Xun,

Don't do that.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Gan Ning,

Thank you for the invitation. I will keep that in mind. Oh, but please don't mind me. I'm sure you can still do it without me participating.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

_|| Attachment received: Zhou Yu's little black book with perverted illustrations done in the margins and amazed/scathing/sarcastic/amused commentary scattered throughout the records of illicit encounters with various officers of Wu. ||_

_||Attachment sent: Five (5) firecrackers for Lu Xun in order to burn his copy of said book. Includes matches.||_

Dear Ling Tong,

First of all, I was wondering where _that_ went.

Secondly, about Gan Ning. Not to be rude, but after you got very drunk that one night, you and Gan Ning waltzed off to his room and did god knows what, but you couldn't walk for a day after that, and well, I thought that you two were... Apologies if I brought back bad memories.

Thirdly, Lu Xun has been doing what? Are you sure he isn't just lying to you? He's _seventeen_, the poor, innocent little thing. Wouldn't any woman be considered a pedophile if they tried anything on him? Have you been corrupting him, Ling Tong? Or was it Gan Ning? Perhaps I should segregate you. Also, I have enclosed a few firecrackers that I'm sure he won't be able to resist. Tell him to burn his copy of my... book. I know how much he loves his fire, the little pyromaniac. If he burns it, send me the ashes as proof and I will reward him with more firecrackers as well as fireworks. I'll buy you something too, if you'd like.

Fourthly, about Lord Sun Ce and I. I don't want to sound like an enormous sap, but I love him. I have known him since I was fourteen, and he's grown on me, but I was forced to marry by word of my father.

...Okay, _maybe_ it's because I just find him more tolerable than Xiao Qiao. She seems to get along better with the stray gerbils, perhaps because their intellectual quotient have much less of a significant gap. Gerbils are only a little smarter than her, after all.

For your information, I haven't done anything with Xiao yet. Believe me, I had to try because I will eventually need an heir, but she just starts giggling and telling me it tickles. And then she starts tickling me.

Fifthly, it's not illegal unless we get caught.

Sixthly, Gan Ning's writing is absolutely terrible. Was he drunk? And in response to your little commentary, we were in the kitchen, and butter was the only thing readily available. It actually made it taste better.

...But that's beside the point.

Also, I feel the need to carefully rip out the illustrations. Gan Ning may have disgusting handwriting, but those drawings are making me feel rather uncomfortable.

Seventhly, I have locked myself in my room after I received your letter. How many of you know about this? Is it simply you, Gan Ning, Lu Xun and possibly Lord Lu Meng? If you said a word about that to anyone else, I will end my life. I have tied a noose already.

Lastly, I will keep the horseback riding and the treetops in mind. That sounds rather exhilarating, though if we were to be caught that would be... bad.

Oh, and just so you know, Gan Ning invited me to have hot, steamy, shower sex with yourself, himself, Lu Xun, Sun Shang Xiang, Lian Shi, Lu Meng, a giant meat bun (I'm assuming this is General Zhou Tai) and Taishi Ci after he called me a, may I quote, 'dirty, kinky, sex god'. I suppose I know the reason for this now.

Keep him in check, will you?

Zhou Yu

* * *

_I don't know where the meat bun thing came from. _

_Thank you very much to Missiletainn, dantesdarkqueen and Mockingtale Bright for the enlightening reviews! ^^ You guys are my inspiration~ :'D_

_Last chapter's Jiang Wei letter was in response to Missiletainn, and this Ling Tong one is for dantesdarkqueen. xD_

_This was an extremely fast update, I know. I was really bored. :D_

_-Kaithau_


	4. Of Sex Advisors and Gerbil Turds

_**DO YOU GUYS LIKE THE NEW COVER IMAGE.**_

_**I USED MS PAINT.**_

_**IF YOU CAN'T SEE, IT SAYS 'I WILL COME FOR YOUR BUNS', 'I AM A MEAT BUN', 'YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT', 'I WILL RESCUE THE MEMBERS OF MY CLAN' and 'THIS IS BASICALLY MAIL TIME WITH ZHOU YU IN ONE PICTURE'. 'BY SOME IDIOT CALLED KAITHAU'. 'COMIC SANS BECAUSE I'M TERRIBLE'. "ART'. **_

_**SO YEAH.**_

_And to answer your question, you know who you are, I am not going to be a major for a few years so-_

_So now you know that I'm a perverted little kid *cries*_

_**Anyway**__. I love you guys. :3 Anyhoo, I seem to be updating pretty fast thanks to all your suppor Thank you to dantesdarkqueen (if you are bothered by slash and are still reading this then I an quite honoured :'D I'm actually well informed on the 3 Kingdoms era, having watched the 2010 drama, but the slash here is all for the lulz. I still ship Sun Ce and Zhou Yu though, no matter if it makes little sense or not *crawls into corner and cries* ), my lovely friend Missiletainn (you pervert you), the guests Kurai, Cali and HienFan and Mockingtale Bright especially, for sticking with me the whole time :'D _

_BY THE BY, TIME TO ADVERTISE GOOD FICS I'VE SEEN._

_First of all, one of my favourite fanfics in the DW fandom, '__**Secession'**__ by __**Red River**__. It's a Zhou Yu x Sun Ce fic and I love it so freaking much that I'm writing a ZYSC fic of my own. But the thing is a literary masterpiece, please go read it! ; w ; _

_Next, by __**Mockingtale Bright**__ (I wuv you), __**'The Tale of Moon and Dragon**__', a Zhuge Liang x Huang Yueying fic. Gorgeous prose, and pfft, this is the only straight pairing I like in Dynasty Warriors. Go read it! It's definitely worth your time :)_

_And now, back to stupidity. _

* * *

Dear Ce,

Is there any particular reason why I found Xiao Qiao passed out in the kitchen, and a few peppers arranged into the words 'Fuck this shit, I win this time, bitch'? Of course, I am not accusing you of anything, I am just curious to know if you have any information on this predicament.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Ce,

No, dear, mauling your opponent with a frying pan during a cooking contest is not considered good sportsmanship and I'm afraid that does not count as you winning, either.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

_|| Attachment sent: One (1) box of fudgesicles, and four (4) Pony Playtime bandages. Zhou Yu, why. ||_

Dear Xiao Qiao,

Excuse me for Lord Sun Ce's rash behaviour. Honey, are you alright? I have enclosed a few 'Pony Playtime' adhesives bandages for your usage, as well as a large box of chocolate fudgesicles. If you would like, you have my permission to throw some of those stray gerbils in Sun Ce's room as revenge.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Ce,

No, I am not aware of myself giving Xiao Qiao permission to release stray gerbils into your room. I am most sorry, I hope they did not destroy too much of your property. Perhaps you should hit her with a pan again.

Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Xiao Qiao,

He hit you with a pan again? Oh dear, that's terrible! You have permission to release all of your gerbils into his room at once after feeding them beans.

The ending result will be rather '_shit'acular_.

I should be beheaded for that.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Ce,

I love you.

Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Guan Xing, Sima Shi, Xiahou Ba and Lu Xun,

Firstly, where did you four get the idea that I'm some kinky sex god that crawled out of Dante's Inferno who can make men swoon at my feet and woman's ovaries explode by flicking my hair? I will do my best to... counsel you, but remember, _I am no sex advisor_.

And please, stop with the ridiculous nicknames. If any of you call me ' the sex god to end all sex gods', 'Oh Great Lord of the Kink', 'Sex God of Wu', 'Oh Handsome Adviser of Sex', or by the gods 'Great Ass-Claimer of the South' outside of these letters or even within any more letters, I will personally march over to your homes and stab you multiple times with my spear, no innuendo intended.

If you really are desperate enough, just go to a brothel, will you?

I will respond to each of you separately as some of these matters are private. And Lu Xun, why have you been meeting up with officers of other factions? I ought to punish you for this.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

_|| Attachment sent: Two (2) crates of meat buns. I think the whole meat bun thing is becoming a gag in this series. ||_

Dear Guan Xing,

Lady Xing Cai, yes...? Well, see, if you are close friends with her brother – Zhang Bao, correct? – and if she seems interested in your eldest brother... She probably is. Has she ever told you something along the lines of 'I love you, Guan Xing. You're like... a second brother to me.' If she has... My dear boy, I think you have just stepped off a cliff and into a ravine I like to call the _friendzone_.

But of course, it is still possible to win her heart! It will require a lot of training, a lot of money and many hours of your time. Though I would not recommend it, as if you do somehow end up with her, I'm sure both Guan Ping and Zhang Bao would take turns severing each of your limbs as they will find out eventually – oh yes, and you can say good bye to your wallet.

Excuse me for the lack of good advice on my part. I hope these meat buns can make up for it.

Good luck,

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

_|| Attachment sent: 'Art of the Meat Bun: Sacred Crane, Tiger Lily Dancing Lotus Petal Forbidden Illusions no Jutsu' brochures. Who the hell names these? And who the hell starts a cult about meat buns? ||_

Dear Sima Shi,

Greetings to you once more. I do hope that entire meat bun ordeal has been sorted out, yes? And I'm rather surprised to see that you still have your chastity. Take that as a compliment, as you are a strong, talented, handsome young man.

...And I am sorry to tell you that yes indeed, I do know of a few women like that in Wu, but they all happen to be taken. Now, it is difficult to find a woman who is beautiful, intelligent and also able to cook very good meat buns. You may want to consider lowering your standards ever-so-slightly.

I mean, finding someone who is able to cook meat buns is rather difficult – though the same cannot be said for intelligence and beauty. The only few people I know who can are Zhou Tai and Da Qiao, but one is married to Lord Sun Ce and the other thinks he _IS_ a meat bun. Honestly, the art of the meat bun is something _many have heard of and few have mastered_.

Enclosed with this letter are a few brochures to 'Art of the Meat Bun: Sacred Crane, Tiger Lily Dancing Lotus Petal Forbidden Illusions no Jutsu', which appears to be some sort of meat bun cult. Perhaps you will be able to find someone of your liking there?

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Xiahou Ba,

I honestly do not think having an interest in older women is a problem at all. I mean, let us be honest here. Most of the young ones spend their days giggling and frolicking in miniskirts, yelling 'I win I win!' all day. I have... personal experiences with a woman like that. The older ones are usually much more mature and intelligent, so... do as you please.

I have seen you a few times in battle, and I can assure you that you are not ugly in the slightest. You have the prowess of a fierce tiger and the grace of a delicate swan. Though wearing a helmet is a good idea in battle, I do not think constantly keeping that bucket over your head during the day is going to do you any good. In fact, it makes you look like a twelve year old, prepubescent boy dressed in tin foil for Halloween.

Which of course, you are not. But you seem to be slightly vertically challenged, and if no one can see your face you look the part.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Lu Xun,

You're _seventeen_. You aren't old enough to be having sex. Really.

You see, you're... how do I put this, you're too cute. Not that that's a bad thing, as I find it rather endearing, but... Lu Xun, I think everybody in our camp, men and women alike, see you as a younger brother or a pyromaniac pet puppy, or both.

You are extremely capable on the battlefield of weapons and wits, and yes, I know your abs are -not as impressive as Ce's- rather impressive, but you look like a child and you technically are one.

Look, even I, as a grown man of twenty five, think you're cute. How are women not going to think of you the same way?

Wait until next year, alright? I send you imaginary pats on the head, some chocolate chip cookies, a glass of warm milk and a hug. One day you will grow out of your baby face, and on that day, I can assure you that women will flock to your feet. If not, you make seek my guidance.

But for now, remember, YOU ARE _SEVENTEEN_. Anybody who tries anything with you would be considered a _PEDOPHILE_. _PEDOPHILES_ are FROWNED _DOWN_ UPON by _SOCIETY_ and are _JAILED_. When you are in jail, _very_ bad things will happen to you.

THAT IS NOT FUN.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Guan Xing, Sima Shi, Xiahou Ba and Lu Xun,

No, I will not demonstrate to you how to court a woman, as I have never courted a woman before. No, not even Xiao Qiao. She came to me of her own volition and clung to me like a lost puppy.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Guan Xing, Sima Shi, Xiahou Ba and Lu Xun,

No. Stop.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Guan Xing, Sima Shi, Xiahou Ba and Lu Xun,

No means no. Stop writing to me before I invade each of your factions and take away Lu Xun's mail privileges.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Guan Xing, Sima Shi, Xiahou Ba and Lu Xun,

Size only matters if you think it does.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Cao Pi,

It is a pleasure receiving a letter from you, Prince, and I will assure that yes, I am... very well acquainted with this 'dirty, kinky, sex god' that you would like to meet. And let me drop you a warning in advance, this person you seek if very much male. I have heard from Lord Cao Cao that you are interested in only women, but then again, I think he only said that because he thought I was trying to hit on you. Moving on.

Now, you should also take note that he is not self-proclaimed, and has been given the title by a certain blonde pirate named Gan Ning, and his 'prowess of physical carnality' is not really 'rivaled only by his own erotic imagination'. In fact, he's a trifle shy when it comes to matters under the sheet.

Lastly, and most importantly, this man just so happens to be me.

I believe that this letter speaks for itself, but I would be delighted to meet you and have a cup of oolong tea while exchanging pleasantries. Unless, of course, you find me repulsive or have... other things in mind.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Ce,

I am sorry about the gerbil turds in your room. I can assure you, I had nothing to do with them.

Anyway... You know Cao Pi, the son of Cao Cao? I'm relatively certain that he wants to '_meet'_ me. This could actually provide useful for mending our relationships with Wei or gathering a little bit of information...

Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Ce,

No, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT run off to Wei on your own to kill him. No, I do not hate you – quite the contrary, actually – and if you are against it to the point you would drown yourself then I shall stay right here. Or perhaps simply go meet him to have a cup of oolong tea over friendly banter.

Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Ce,

No, I am not going to try hitting on him, kiss him, make out with him, have sex with him or steam meat buns with him. I will simply go to try and ease the tension between our two nations.

Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Ce,

If it will make you stop worrying, yes, _I love you_. You can come over tomorrow evening and do what you please. Just... make sure I will be able to walk properly the day after. Last time, I don't know what you did but I was bedridden for the following week.

Love, Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Lu Su,

I need help.

People think I'm some sort of sex advisor and everyone's either trying to get me in their bed or ask me how to get other people in their bed.

Lu Su, I need help.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Lu Su,

I don't understand what you mean when you say 'when one door closes, another opens for you to venture through'. I mean, or you could just open the closed door. Because that's how doors work.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Lu Su,

I'm a scholar, not a philosopher.

Therefore, I do not understand what you mean when you speak of the 'tears of the moon showering upon Buddha's earlobes'.

And what do you mean you saw a giant meat bun wandering around camp?

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Zhou Tai...

HOW in the name of the heavens did you FIND ANOTHER ONE?

**ARE YOU FUCKING _SERIOUS_?**

_GOD FUCKING DAMN IT_

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sima Shi,

Prepare yourself. I suggest you ready 20 watchtowers around your camp, each with at least 50 scouts and tell them to light a fire if they see a round figure approaching. Keep your storehouse well guarded, and I will send you reinforcements of ten squadrons, all composed of heavy cavalry units.

The meat bun is out to get you, Sima Shi.

_He's coming for your buns._

Zhou Yu

* * *

_Oh gosh. I don't know what I'm writing anymore. xD_

_I think I should change the name of this fic to 'Meat Buns and Mailtime with Zhou Yu'. _

_I'm also going to be busy for the next week, so no updates until... next Sunday-ish. Sorry :'D Hope you'll still stick around, though~ _

_I couldn't squish in the Gan Ning and firecrackers thing since my hand started cramping D: Sorry, Mockingtale! I'll figure something out for next chapter~_

_-Kaithau_


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